Thursday, February 22, 2007

The History of Music as Told to Beth Hanson Over Dinner

"You see, Beth, it started with just cavemen thunking on logs. Drums! Brilliant, right? Oh, you gotta try this garlic bread. I know it's just garlic bread, but godDAMN it's amazing. So drum logs. Some caveman in a bear skin just started jamming one day, keeping time with the rhythm of his own heart. Never changing or faltering, just thump-ump-bump-ump thump-ump-bump-ump and one day another caveman came up to him and just started howling. Wailing, really. And he invented singing. Four years later and after the invention of electricity, the cavemen dug up a bass guitar. It was ancient and fossilized, brought down to earth by aliens and left behind. Well, they were able to chisel out a body and neck from a tree, and then they developed the forge and made steel strings for it. Amplifier technology had been available for ten years.

"Oh, this MOTHERFUCKIN' spaghetti! Oh CHRISTBITCH! No, I'm not talking about you. Just an expression, Beth dear. So they had drums and singing and a bass, so the singer took up the new instrument, plunking down only basic jazz chords and walking bass lines at first. They figured they'd be a jazz duo, 'cause the drummer caveman found some bushes that he turned into brushes. And while they were casting strings, they cast some cymbals too or some shit. I don't remember. I'm so stoned right now.

"But then the aliens visited again, and gave them a fuckin' NEW invention, the electric guitar! Spacetime and lightspeed travel had allowed them to develop SIX string technology. And the aliens gave them Iggy fuckin' Stooge and the band became the STOOGES and they fuckin' ROCKED YOUR SHIT. SO DON'T COME TO ME ALL LIKE 'OH, MR. RECORD EXEC PLEASE SIGN MY ROCK 'N ROLL BAND' 'CAUSE YOUR LITTLE 'BAND' AIN'T ROCK 'N ROLL YOU SHIT BITCH. ROCK 'N ROLL IS MADE BY FUCKING CAVEMEN AND OUTERSPACE ALIENS. DID YOU DEVELOP THE FORGE AND THEN CAST YOUR OWN STRINGS? NO? MY POINT EXACTLY. Oh shit, this mescaline is wearing off. Be a dear now and give me a good bit of a rubdown. That's a darling, now let's talk singles."

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